Total Poem Drama
by TheImpossiblyAwesomeWriter
Summary: Running out of ideas, Chris forces the campers to write poems of their experiences on the show. Some go a little crazy, but most write legitimate poems of all different styles and rhyme scenes. What started as Chris' bad idea becomes an awesome poem collection! Newest Poem: Sam. Next Poem: Brick.
1. Ezekiel

**Hello Total Drama fans! This is my fifth story, in which all of the campers from all of the seasons write a poem of their experiences on the show. I came up with this story on a whim, and even though it sounds crazy, I think it just might work out! Oh, one more thing: This is rated T for infrequent moderate language, even though this chapter has none so far. (Disclaimer: I do not own Total Drama.) **

"Yo, Chris here!" The middle-aged host stood on the Dock of Shame next to a familiar teen. "Here's the news. Since Chef and I haven't been exactly overly creative lately, instead of coming up with a new season, we're forcing the cast to write poems!"

Cricket noises ensue from everywhere. The teen standing next to Chris boos.

"Hey!" exclaims Chris, offended. "It could work! Believe me, I know it'd suck big time if I was writing the poem, but it's the campers. Who knows? We might have a brand new, uh, poem person here!" The teen shakes his head sadly. "Starting with the twenty-two contestants from Total Drama Island, we'll be going in the order they were eliminated. That means we're starting with everyone's least favorite prairie boy, Ezekiel!"

The teenager next to him is actually Zeke himself. "Show us what you've got, Mutant Gopher King!" yells Chris, pointing at the homeschooler.

"Hey! That was ages ago, eh. I'm not crazy like that anymore." He shrugs and holds up a piece of paper to the camera. On it is his poem.

_What's up? A bird. I'm Zeke,_

_Sure, for a while I was a freak_

_With wicked teeth like a Pteradon's beak,_

_My situation looked pretty bleak. _

_It all started several years ago,_

_When I got an idea, y'know,_

_To sign up for the show,_

_Shoulda known it was a no-no._

_Back then I lived on the prairie,_

_It's boring when it's not scary,_

_The creeps all around make things kind of hairy,_

_And all we ever had to eat was cream of strawberry. _

_I came to Wawanakwa,_

_It was a total shocker,_

_I might've been off my rocker,_

_Felt like I'd just seen Spock, er. _

_Things were going great,_

_When people began to hate,_

_On the Zekester who was great,_

_And then it was checkmate. _

_Before I could blink an eye,_

_It was already bye-bye_

_I didn't even get to try,_

_I'd been the first boot. Why?_

_An entire year later_

_I came back to show up all the haters_

_But I let our team token get eaten by an alligator_

_And history repeated: "See ya later, alligator."_

_It made me pretty T.O ed,_

_I quickly became P.O. ed,_

_So ignoring Owen's B.O.,_

_I snuck back on you see, oh. _

_I was sure to come back,_

_They'd cut me some slack,_

_Or else from food lack,_

_I'd have a heart attack!_

_I spent too long in that cargo hold,_

_I thought I was just being bold,_

_But I grew prematurely old,_

_As my heart turned stone cold. _

_I became a beast,_

_On rats I did feast,_

_As the plane flew on east,_

_My greed never ceased. _

_We passed France,_

_I caught a glance,_

_Of the million cash,_

_I had a chance!_

_Things went downhill_

_Into lava I spilled,_

_I could pay all my bills,_

_I had the mil!_

_Eh. _

_**Thanks for reading! Sorry if this seemed a bit like if Dr. Seuss could rap. It was probably the rhyme scene. Future poems will be better! Please take a little time to review! Next up: Eva!**  
_


	2. Eva

**Hello everyone. This was a surprisingly quick update. I expect to update this story once a day, minus days when I don't have time or I don't feel like it. This chapter does have a little language, so younger viewers be warned! The rhyme scene is much improved this time, by the way. (I do not own Total Drama or its characters.)**

Chris stood on the dock, smiling. "This just might work!" he exclaimed. "Everyone loves poetry, right?"

More cricket noises ensue.

"Fine, be that way. In the mean time, we have our poet on hand. Eva!" The fitness buff walked onto the dock and glared at the host. "So Eva, before we begin, any thoughts on your poem of your thoughts?"

Eva took a moment to think. "Writing it was actually pretty beneficial. It gave me back the feeling that I need to punch someone. Hard. In the face."

"There's an intern who doesn't look very busy standing right over there," replied the black-haired host. "But first we need to see your poem."

The strong girl grunted. She pulled a piece of crumpled paper out of her pocket, uncrumpled it, and threw it at the camera.

_Listen up punk,_

_It's Eva here. _

_Annoy me and you're sunk,_

_So you better steer clear. _

_I joined this damn show,_

_'Cause I had nothing better to do._

_That's my reason, now you know,_

_So what about you?_

_I went to the isle_

_I was easily the strongest. _

_In a minute I'd run a mile,_

_I should have lasted the longest. _

_I got cheated out by a nasty witch,_

_All because she stole my tunes. _

_Thankfully a few others on her did snitch,_

_She practically dug her own tomb._

_But I wasn't mad at her,_

_Oh no, not just yet. _

_My many angers were,_

_Directed at Bridgette. _

_I came back to the game,_

_It's a no-brainer why. _

_I always bring the pain,_

_I make the ratings sky-high!_

_But they got rid of me soon,_

_By the campfire. _

_Underneath the full moon,_

_Which was a sight to admire. _

_I've been unfairly screwed,_

_I need my chance back,_

_I want to be renewed,_

_Until then, no one can relax!_

_You think you're all so clever,_

_Playing season after season. _

_Watch out, you bitch Heather,_

_Before I kill you for no reason!_

_I'll return to the show,_

_You'll see! You'll all see!_

_Just wanted to let you know,_

_That you'll have to deal with me!_

Eva grinned and rolled up her sleeve. "That's my poem. Like it? You better. Now I'm gonna go punch that intern." She stalked off angrily, leaving Chris smiling annoyingly.

**Thanks for reading! Review and say what you liked and didn't like about the poem, the structure, the way I portrayed Eva, etc. I'm one of the rare people who appreciate constructive criticism, so feel free to suggest anything. Any requests for what a certain character's poem should be like? Next up is Noah. I've already planned some of his poem out, and it promises to be good!**


	3. Noah

**'Sup, readers? This is definitely the best poem yet. Enjoy!**

Chris couldn't help but be happy. Maybe his crazy poetry idea would succeed after all! He flashed a pearly white grin at the camera and introduced the next former camper. "This guy's finally back to give us a whopping amount of sarcasm in his own special way. It's Noah!"

The short bookworm walked up to Chris. "Do I have to be here? I don't even have a chance at a million bucks this time. It's just frickin' poetry."

Chris ignored his question and cut straight to the chase. "Well, Noah, the entire viewing world is ready to see your poem. How does that make you feel?"

"All warm and fuzzy on the inside," replied the egghead sarcastically before reluctantly handing over his poem, which Chris showed to the camera.

_My name is Noah,_

_As I'm sure you're aware,_

_Chris forced me to write this,_

_My feelings to air._

_Why did I join the show?_

_Well in retrospect,_

_It was an asshole,_

_Decision to make. _

_I was the smartest of all,_

_It was clear as day. _

_How dumb was my fall?_

_Sports aren't my forte. _

_In truth I regretted,_

_My time on the island,_

_I felt like I'd been netted,_

_Into a mental asylum. _

_Few good came of it,_

_Except for maybe,_

_My friendship with Owen,_

_Which is great, you see. _

_Don't ask me how,_

_But all the fans love me,_

_I should come back now,_

_With the blue sky above me. _

_Sure, Season 5's wasted,_

_But Season 3's not,_

_You asked for more Noah,_

_And that's what you got. _

_I came back for World Tour,_

_Much as I hate travel,_

_ I didn't plan to lose nor,_

_Get left in the gravel. _

_Everyone else there,_

_Was an easy out,_

_Except for Alejandro,_

_Who I had to worry 'bout. _

_I should've been more cautious,_

_In voicing my concerns,_

_It just makes me nauseous, _

_That that lesson was learned. _

_Did I get anything,_

_Out of the game?_

_To be perfectly honest,_

_It was pretty lame. _

_It's all based on luck,_

_Strategy has no place,_

_The hosts really suck,_

_The whole show's a disgrace!_

_The food is gross,_

_It all makes me pissed,_

_But the thing I hate most,_

_Is that stupid damn Chris!_

"Wow!" said Chris after it was finished, somehow missing all the bits of the poem insulting him. "I never knew you were such a good poet! You're as great as Picasso himself!"

"Picasso was a painter, not a poet," corrected Noah. "Although, his random splatter paintings do look a lot like whatever garbage poetry you would write yourself."

The host ignored him. "See you guys next time, when we'll figure out if male models are actually good at poetry!"

"Can't wait," quipped Noah sarcastically.

**Thanks for reading! Please review and subscribe. And check out my other TD stories; Total Drama Jurassic Park and Total Drama The Island Reborn. The next poem is Justin's! The update'll be out tomorrow (with any luck).**


	4. Justin

**Hey, sorry I didn't update yesterday. What can I say? Life gets in the way. Anyway, to make up for it, I'll try to post both Justin and Katie's poems today. Here's the first one now!**

This time, Chris stood next to a tanned teen with a green T-shirt. "What's up, Wawanakwa fans?" asked Chris excitedly. "This time we've got a poem from the most model camper of all time. Literally! He may scarcely have said a word back in the first season, but that didn't stop him from dishing it all out on paper, right here!"

Justin frowned. "Sorry Chris, but could you be a little less hyper around me? It's bad for my perfect skin. Don't ask me how, it just is. Now, as for my poem."

_It's probable you know me,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_TV was just waiting to show me,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_I impressed all the rest,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_I could always pass the test,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_I scarcely said a word,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_I was way better than the nerds,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_I thought I had it in the bag,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_But I got voted out by a mean old hag,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_They were sad to see me go,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_I was the star of the whole show,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_I came back the next time,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_I can't think up a good rhyme,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_Season 2 was time for strategy,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_Who deserved the cash? Simple, me,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful._

_I had Beth and Lindsay under my thumb,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_One's gullible, the other dumb,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful._

_The only one to defy my beauty,_

_Because I'm beautiful,_

_Was the psycho hose beast named Izzy,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful._

_I made it far into the game,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_I'd already gotten cheesy tabloid fame,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_On Courtney, I had my first crush,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_That girl was hotter than a melted slush,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_But then she went and backstabbed me,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_That bastard caused me me misery,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_I've yet to get another chance,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_And what's never worked out is romance,_

_'Cause I'm beautiful. _

_If only the rest looked good too,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_Instead, ugliness acts like the flu,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_So it seems I'm TD's only model,_

_Because I'm beautiful. _

_Will others in my footsteps follow?_

_Because I'm egoistic,_

_Antagonistic,_

_Bitchalistic,_

_Er, I mean beautiful. _

Chris wiped a tear of happiness from his eye. "That. Was. Beautiful!"

"I know," replied Justin. "It was. I might've been a poet if I wasn't so perfect for a career in modeling. Or a career as a reality show contestant. Actually, Camp Wawanakwa sucked. Why'd I sign up for this again?"

"Um, I forget," said Chris quickly. "But it was for a great reason. Definitely. We'll see you again soon for more of the camper's preposterous poems!"

**Please review! Katie's is up next, but feel free to check out some of my other stories in the meantime. **


	5. Katie

**As promised, here's Katie's poem. **

A thin teen stood next to Chris. "Let's give Katie a hand, everybody!" he cheered. "This time she's without Sadie, which, as you might guess, is very unusual. Let's see her poem!"

_Hi, this is Katie,_

_Writing this was hard. _

_Without the help of Sadie,_

_I feel like an old-time bard!_

_Sadie is my BFFFL,_

_We're extremely close,_

_The show put us through hell,_

_But what was worst the most?_

_Let me start at the beginning,_

_When we signed up together. _

_We almost felt like singing,_

_So we didn't stop question whether,_

_One of us would be voted out,_

_Leaving the other all alone. _

_Sure enough, it happened to me, _

_Leaving our friendship postponed. _

_We'd gotten lost in the woods,_

_Honestly? It was my fault. _

_Sadie and I got mad at each other,_

_And tried to think up the best insult. _

_In the end we cost our team,_

_Because of us they lost. _

_Right away there went my dream,_

_Of the winners being us._

_I took the Boat of Losers,_

_All the while feeling sad. _

_I arrived at Playa des Losers,_

_Which really wasn't half bad. _

_Not too much later Sadie joined me,_

_We were together once again. _

_It made so unbeliavably happy,_

_That I was reuinited with my friend. _

_We never took part in the game again,_

_But that was okay with me. _

_'Cause I was never seperated from my friend,_

_My BFFFL, Sadie. _

"What'd you think?" asked Katie nervously.

"Meh," replied Chris. "It's too good and fine and sane. Next we have Tyler, and I can't wait to see what stupidity he's come up with. Oh joy!"

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	6. Tyler

**Thanks to everybody for all the reviews, it's always nice to hear from you! Here's Tyler's, which admittedly isn't very good, but it's that way on purpose. Tyler couldn't write a poem to save his life, eh?**

Chris flattened his hair and grinned. "Welcome back to Total Poem Drama! This time we have Tyler's poem to show, if you can call it that. Any thoughts, Tyler?"

The red jock shrugged his shoulders. "It was pretty extreme."

Chris frowned.

_Hi, it's Tyler._

_No, not Skyler._

_I played Total Drama_

_I once saw a llama. _

_Lindsay was hot,_

_Heather was not._

_What an evil creep,_

_She was such a bleep!_

_I should've won,_

_'Cause I was the most fun._

_And the best jock!_

_Solid as a rock._

_Courtney and I failed,_

_But it was I that bailed._

_Why'd I get voted off?_

_Wasn't humiliation enough?_

_So I missed out on Season 2,_

_But if you only knew,_

_The awesomeness I'd bring_

_To the season where you sing._

_I forget the name of that one,_

_Might it have been a pun?_

_So I was definitely the best,_

_Way better than all the rest._

_But I still haven't won,_

_Got the boot in Area 51._

_I know it sucks,_

_It's just my luck._

_At least I can say,_

_I've got Lindsay, my babe._

_But Chris is real mean,_

_To all the teens._

_I'll be happy if,_

_That man falls off a cliff!_

_Or is eaten by sharks,_

_In the dark!_

_Any way he could go bye-bye,_

_Would make me cry a happy cry,_

_I'd finally be free from the show!_

_To be in every sport a pro!_

"Tyler!" yelled Chris. "Why'd you actually write a semi-decent poem? I thought you were supposed to screw it up so I could laugh at you rudely!"

"Well, I don't like rude people," said Tyler. "They're not extreme enough."

"Yeah, you're boring me." The host grabbed Tyler's arm and shoved him off the dock.

"Help! I can't swim!"

"Sorry, what'cha say? Can't hear you!"

**Izzy's is next, and believe me when I say it'll be crazy! Thanks for reading and please review.**


	7. Izzy

**This is the first poem that's well, not really a legitimate poem. But it's actually pretty hilarious. Thanks to everyone who's reviewed!**

Chris looked around the dock. Then he noticed the camera. "Oh, hi! Sorry to keep you guys waiting, but I don't seem to be able to find our newest poet, Izzy. Now where could she be?"

Suddenly, a piece of paper floated down from above screen and landed gently on the dock. Chris picked it up and read it aloud, scratching his head.

_Hey Chris! Guess what? I think you suck!_

_It looks like you've finally run out of luck,_

_And if I were you, I'd look up!_

"What the hell?!" he said when he finished reading. "Izzy! Wherever you are! This isn't a poem! This is three lines of random crap! Why the hell should I look up?"

He looked up. "Oh."

A gigantic boulder fell from the sky, crushing Chris. Izzy also fell out of nowhere and landed on the big rock, sitting down on it. "Hey guys! Haha, that was fun! Oh, don't worry about Chris. He'll be fine. I think. What's that? You don't care about his livelihood? Neither do I! Haha, coincidence! I gotta go, the Codester has an awesome poem to share, and I creep him out. He won't show his face while I'm around! Ta-ta for now!

**Thanks for reading! Constructive criticism is appreciated, so feel free to suggest anything you want! **


	8. Cody

**This is by far the longest poem yet, and maybe the best. I've gotten wy over 600 views, thanks everyone! Enjoy! This one's a limerick, meaning a goofy AABBA rhyme scene. **

Chris stood on the dock, covered in scrapes and bandages with a cast on his right arm. The boulder was still on the dock, but two interns were pushing it, trying to shove it off. "Move your lazy asses and work harder!" yelled Chris at them. Then he turned to face the camera. "Izzy, if you're watching this, your diabolical plan to kill slash severely injure me failed. I'm back in business, baby! Also, you are a complete little [we're sorry, the next several hundred words to come out of Chris' mouth contain words _way _too profane to be in a T-rated story]!"

The host calmed down. "Anyways, insulting Izzy, aside, our newest aspiring poet has arrived. Presenting, the Codester!"

The short teen walked onto the dock smoothly. "Hey, Chris. I see the ladies have already arrived."

"Actually, they haven't. And they won't at least as long as you're here. It's just you, me, and two nameless interns who'll likely die before the episode ends."

"Aw man!" said Cody. "I had so many good pick-up lines prepared!"

"Let's hope you also prepared a poem."

"No worries, the Codester always comes through. Check it out!"

_My name is Cody,_

_Don't mistake me for a brony,_

_I don't like that,_

_Makes me feel flat,_

_And I hate My Little Pony. _

_It was a few years ago,_

_When I decided to join the show,_

_It looked cool,_

_And I'm no fool,_

_I could easily win the cash, ya know. _

_When I came the ladies were all there,_

_So many choices it was almost unfair,_

_'Cause I'm awesome,_

_Like an opossum,_

_All the girls wanted samples of my hair. _

_But I couldn't date them just then,_

_My sights were set on Gwen,_

_But already she,_

_Had found a he,_

_I was about to court her when,_

_She met a guy named Trent,_

_Who had skills like pitching a tent,_

_It was clear to see,_

_She didn't like me,_

_Man, I really felt spent. _

_But I didn't give up just yet,_

_I followed her around like a pet,_

_She thought I was a pest,_

_Just like all the rest,_

_Did I give up then? N'yet. _

_I was sure to win her over,_

_I needed a four-leaf clover,_

_To get some luck,_

_'Cause I really suck,_

_At trying to win girls over._

_I tried to get her to go out,_

_Guess what? I struck out,_

_But then I could see,_

_What mattered to me,_

_Was that she was happy about. _

_Trent was the one who owned her heart,_

_And it sure of me was really smart,_

_To figure out snappily,_

_For her to be happy,_

_I had to help her follow her heart. _

_So I set her up with the other guy,_

_It really broke my heart, oh my,_

_But I knew it was right,_

_I'd fought the good fight,_

_I felt so emotionally high. _

_Just when things became bittersweet,_

_Life turned into old rotten meat,_

_When I had a scare,_

_And met a bear,_

_Who me tried to eat!_

_Things ended up bad,_

_It was really pretty sad,_

_I was voted off,_

_Since all did scoff,_

_At my injuries which made me mad. _

_On the plus side I did get a quick kiss,_

_From Beth, who'd unfortunately missed,_

_That you shouldn't take stuff,_

_From Boney Island, enough,_

_To curse our team forever like this. _

_I quickly arrived at the resort losers hotel,_

_I got my cast off and I felt quite well,_

_Until the cruel sun,_

_Robbed me of my fun,_

_By giving me sunburn that hurt like hell. _

_I missed out on the next season,_

_But I had my chance to seize, an'_

_I got on Season 3,_

_I was free as a bee,_

_Until I met a stalker who'd lost all reason. _

_Her name was Sierra,_

_She was really a terror,_

_If you thought I stalked Gwen,_

_Well, just then,_

_You should see her,_

_Come after me untamed,_

_Like moths to a flame,_

_It scared me so,_

_Just so you know,_

_How she was obsessed with my fame. _

_But in the mean time,_

_Gwen and her guy,_

_Had broken up,_

_So I was like 'Sup,_

_I'll buy you a pie. _

_She still rejected me,_

_The awesome Cody,_

_Sure I was sad,_

_But I was soon was quite glad,_

_Why, I was filled with glee. _

_I had a great plan,_

_I could change my stance,_

_Vote off stalker girl,_

_So she got the hurl,_

_Well, I never got the chance. _

_In the end I should be relieved,_

_Sierra kept me free,_

_From elimination, _

_The ruination,_

_Of me didn't come to be. _

_I made it to the final four,_

_Sierra came out the door,_

_Carrying a cake,_

_That she could make,_

_Ready to share it with all four._

_But she blew up the plane,_

_Man, Chris went insane,_

_He kicked her out,_

_She didn't pout,_

_As we were left in the rain. _

_I was so close,_

_I could almost,_

_Taste the money,_

_It tasted like honey,_

_And a little like toast. _

_But disaster struck,_

_ I ran out of luck,_

_And Heather,_

_Had never,_

_That much sucked. _

_She tricked me,_

_An unfair plea,_

_So she could win the game,_

_And get all the fame,_

_What a bastard she can be!_

_Sierra still loved me,_

_The sky above me,_

_Was bright blue,_

_'Cause I knew,_

_The viewers all loved me._

_I still long for Gwen,_

_My love of her will never end,_

_But until then,_

_Sierra's my friend,_

_So now I'm gonna say 'The End'._

"Not bad Cody, not bad," mused Chris. "I see you exaggerated yourself into a ladies' man."

"I never exaggerate," replied Cody.

"Try telling that to Gwen. Anyways, Beth is up next, and her poem may just be the best yet! I'm Chris McLean, and I'll see ya later!"

**Thanks for reading! Please review, follow, favorite, and check out my other stories! **


	9. Beth

**Just a side note: These poems will be based on the U.S. winners, meaning Beth will write her poem as if she was runner-up. **

Chris was out of his cast, the bandages were gone, and all his scrapes had healed. "Guess what Izzy? I'm fine now. Yeah, you know what happens when you try to kill me." Suddenly, another boulder dropped out of the sky. The host calmly sidestepped, and it crashed through the dock.

Beth nervously walked on screen. "Are any more rocks gonna be falling while I'm here?" she asked.

"Eh, I'd say it's fifty fifty. Just hurry up with the poem."

_I never thought I'd place second here,_

_But it has come to be. _

_It all started a few years before last year,_

_When I was simply, _

_A farm girl and a wannabe,_

_With no real aspirations._

_I had no idea what I was gonna be,_

_I had no inspirations. _

_But then Total Drama entered my life,_

_Suddenly I was someone. _

_Sure, the show caused me tons of strife,_

_But I was no longer no one._

_I was quickly roped in to,_

_An alliance with Heather. _

_I was sure I'd make the final two,_

_I never questioned weather,_

_Heather was really an evil bitch,_

_Please pardon my French. _

_That lying bastard was such a witch,_

_She used me like a wrench. _

_Before I talk more about that,_

_I need to tell the tale,_

_When I in a canoe sat,_

_And to Boney Island paddled._

_I'd missed Chris' warning earlier,_

_I took a little wooden guy. _

_I wished it had looker girlier,_

_Then I'd have had a better reason why. _

_My team was cursed!_

_All 'cause of me,_

_I feared the worst!_

_Things were bad as could be. _

_But then something good occured,_

_When Heather made me fetch some food. _

_She wasn't even at all concerned,_

_About my ever darkening mood._

_But she wasn't about to boss me around!_

_I'd finally had enough. _

_My confidence had again been found,_

_And I told it to her tough. _

_She was so extremely shocked,_

_You should've seen the look on her face!_

_For all the times she'd me mocked,_

_I'd finally ended the disgrace!_

_It all came down to the campfire,_

_Where she should have been voted off. _

_But no one defeats the empire,_

_Eventually it was Cody who lost. _

_And I was next to go,_

_Cursing the team comes at a price. _

_It was good-bye, not hello,_

_At least all but Heather were nice. _

_Next season Lindsay and I,_

_Became best friends and planned for France,_

_She planned to win, then her and I,_

_Would head for Paris and dance!_

_That didn't work out so well,_

_When she voted herself off. _

_Man, Duncan was mean as hell,_

_When because of that he scoffed. _

_All the while I stayed true,_

_To my new boyfriend Brady. _

_But when Harold found my love too..._

_Oh no! Mayday! Mayday!_

_Not to mention Justin was also there,_

_As beautiful as could be. _

_No other guy had a prayer,_

_His good looks could fell a tree. _

_But soon enough they were all gone,_

_It was down to the bully and I. _

_I never thought I could've won,_

_But I still didn't, didn't I?_

_Second place isn't all that bad,_

_In fact it's really great. _

_In truth I'm super duper glad,_

_That I such good friends could make!_

"Touching," said Chris emotionlessly. "You got anything else?"

"Uh, no?"

"Catch ya later then!" The host quickly pushed Beth off-screen. "That's better. Now, next up we have Sadie! What will her poem be like? Knowing her, pretty much the exact same as Katie's."

A boulder fell out of the sky. Chris again sidestepped. "Seriously. Overuse the gag much?"

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	10. Sadie

**This poem's a sonnet with an iambic pentameter, meaning ten syllables per line. Make sure to stress every other syllable, that way it sounds much better!**

Chris slapped at a mosquito that landed on his neck. "Buggy today, isn't it? Just like our next former camper, who definitely bugs me. Everyone, give a preferably cold welcome to Sadie!"

Huge applause breaks out as the chubby girl walks onto the dock. Chris scowls. "You all did that just to spite me, huh?" Everyone in the entire unvirse nods. "Well it worked."

"Oh my gosh, you guys, I have such a sweet poem!" shrieked Sadie. "It's super special, uh huh, and you'll love it. If only Katie was here to see me. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Chris winced as his eardrums were shattered. "What makes your poem so special, Mrs. Earache?"

Sadie at first looked confused by her new nickname, but she answered the question anyway. "Well, it's a sonnet. And sonnets, were, like, totally hip in England! Mm hmm, Katie and I went there on a school field trip, and everything was so cool! There was this gigantic eye, and some _really _tall guy named Ben, and a bridge that kept falling down, and four guys with mop-tops who wouldn't stop fighting, and a palace with a name that sounded like a Chinese dish, and..."

"And two annoying girls wearing black, white, and pink who would never stop EEEEEEing?" suggested Chris.

"Exactly!" exclaimed Sadie. "Oh my gosh. Don't tell me you were there too!" Chris face palmed. "Anyway, here's my poem."

_Total Drama is a show for TV,_

_It's not exactly that great of a show,_

_My BFFFL Katie and me,_

_Somehow decided we'd give it a go. _

_There were twenty other teenagers there,_

_And they stupidly voted off Katie,_

_When we were separated, what a scare,_

_I was certain I'd lose my sanity._

_The next few episodes I did but naught,_

_I really didn't hurt a single fly,_

_But when I hurt the C.I.T. she sought,_

_And succeeded in making me go bye. _

_Now I'm back with my BFFFL,_

_And I have realized that the show is hell. _

"You are correct, Sadie!" exclaimed Chris. "Total Drama is hell...for the campers! For me, it's fun fun fun!"

Sadie nodded. "Can I go back with Katie now? You're starting to creep me out." Chris frowned.

**Sorry about the shortness, but sonnets are usually only fourteen lines. Please review! I'm also curious; did anybody get all of Sadie's references to England? I'll explain them in the next chapter if you guys want. **


	11. Courtney

**Hi, this is the first free verse poem so far. I think you'll like it based on whether or not you like Courtney, but still, enjoy!**

Chris and the dock were nowhere to be seen. Why? Because all that could be seen was Courtney's face, right up in the camera. "I just want to let you know, I'm only doing this stupid poem thing because my contract forces me to," she hissed menacingly. "Otherwise I'd be off trying to kill Duncan and Gwen again. Er, I mean, annoy them. Don't worry, I won't kill them. They might mysteriously disappear and have their bleached bones show up on the side of a road twenty years later, but I won't kill them. Anyway, Total Drama is bad enough with a chance at a million. But without that? I DESPISE IT! And I swear Chris is going to be joining precious Gwuncan on my hit list soon!"

The C.I.T. moved away from the camera, revealing that Chris and the usual location were indeed behind her. "Nice to see you too, Courtney!" said Chris sadistically. "Heard your poem's free verse."

"You bet your ass it is!" yelled Courtney. "Now I'm just gonna show the poem so you don't get any more chances to say your crappy dialogue!"

_Total Drama is a game,_

_That I signed up for years ago. _

_If only I'd known that there was,_

_A dumb egoistic host. _

_Then there was Goth girl so bland,_

_And Duncan who didn't know,_

_What the word 'rule' means, oh yes. _

_Since I'd been a C.I.T.,_

_I was super qualified,_

_To be the team's one captain. _

_That didn't exactly come,_

_To be, but still, I was good. _

_Unfortunately there was,_

_A one thousand foot cliff jump,_

_Which I could never do, and,_

_It was almost my downfall. _

_Thankfully Ezekiel,_

_Is stupid and naive, so,_

_He got the first boot, not me._

_As time went on I found that,_

_Despite Duncan's ogre-ness,_

_His tough exterior was,_

_Nothing but a shell to me. _

_I'll admit I started to,_

_Find what was seemingly true,_

_Love with the delinquent punk. _

_I should've known it was fake!_

_Then that freaky Harold twit,_

_Got me eliminated,_

_All because I was Duncan's,_

_New girlfriend, and that was all!_

_In truth I should be thankful,_

_To him, 'cause I got to sue,_

_The show and take my place in,_

_Season 2, which was a mess. _

_I won't even talk about it,_

_In this poem, it was so,_

_Totally screwed up you know!_

_Season 3 was going fine,_

_But Duncan was dumb and quit. _

_He came back much later and,_

_He had the nerve to kiss Gwen!_

_What a cheater, what a jerk!_

_He went behind my back, what,_

_Awful things he did, you see!_

_CHRIS' NOTE: The next seven thousand lines of poetry are Courtney ranting about Gwuncan. Let's just skip to the big finish, shall we?_

_I'll come back in Season 5,_

_Duncan and Gwen will be doomed,_

_This time I will win for sure!_

"Wow," said Chris. "It doesn't even rhyme! Lame."

"Shut it! It's free verse. It's not supposed to rhyme."

"Oh really?"

"Yes! Really!"

"Okay, now you're just annoying me. Next up we'll have Harold, who is attempting a ridiculously complicated and nerdy style of poem! That will be way better than than Courtney's, guaranteed."

The C.I.T. crossed her arms and grimaced.

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	12. Harold

**So, I was randomly reading about poetry on Wikipedia when I heard about this weird complex nineteen-line poem. Since Harold was up next and he's super likely to both know of and write such a poem, I figured what the heck, I'll go for it!**

Chris grinned at the camera. "Hello, entire viewing world! I'm happy to report that the king of nerds is here today. Harold!"

The lanky nerd walked onto the dock, picking his nose. "Good day, Chris," he said. "I see you've acknowledged my mad skillz at nerddom. Most thanks."

"Er, okay. Anything special for us today, Harold my not friend?"

"Special?" scoffed Harold. "What you are about to read showcases my mad skillz to the extreme and is more than just this _special_. It's a type of poetry called villanelle, and a lesser mind than mine wouldn't even be able to understand its extraordinary complexity."

"Can you get on with it? Please?"

"Gosh."

_My name is Harold, I have mad skills,_

_I joined this show 'cause without me its sad,_

_I was absolutely determined to win the mil. _

_The game and challenges were full of thrills,_

_Like when I was flashed I was so glad,_

_My name is Harold, I have mad skills. _

_Gosh, in a videogame I'd get the most kills,_

_But this game was harder, it made me mad,_

_I was absolutely determined to win the mil. _

_I was eliminated, but I always will,_

_Love Leshawna, she is so rad,_

_My name is Harold, I have mad skills. _

_I came back next season to win and pay the bills,_

_The money I already practically had,_

_I was absolutely determined to win the mil. _

_I failed and felt like that intern Bill,_

_Yesterday's news, so awful and bad,_

_My name is Harold, I have mad skills,_

_I was absolutely determined to win the mil._

"That was...random," said Chris.

"Nonsense," replied Harold. "Your poetry skillz are just inferior to mine, you sadistic former host with no life!"

"I've built up an intolerance to insults from the campers," said Chris to the camera. "It's been pretty helpful lately. Next time we'll see Trent's poem! What will it be like? Well, I'll give you a hint. Nine!"

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	13. Trent

**Here's Trent's psycho poem. Believe me, you will be just as insane as him after reading it. Trent is totally OOC (out of character) here, with his 'nine' idea blown out of whack, but hey, it's funny!**

Next to the host was a guy with black hair, a green shirt, and a smile. Trent.

"Today we have our resident poetic psycho on the show!" announced Chris.

"I don't see Izzy anywhere around," remarked Trent. "Or Ezekiel. Or Eva. Or Dakotazoid. Or Lightning. Or Heather. Or Sierra. Or Owen. Or Mr. Coconut."

"Hang on," said Chris. "How many people did you just name?"

"Er, eight?"

"Phew. For a second I thought you'd gone nuts over the whole nine thing again."

"Plus I also listed a coconut, and together with everyone else I named nine! NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE NINE!"

"Dude, did you just say 'nine' nine times? It's just a number, man!"

"Nine is more than just a number!" yelled Trent. "It's nine! Y'know, NINE!"

"Er, I do know. But you make me wish I didn't. Hey Izzy! I know you're up there! Got any more boulders?" One of the huge rocks fell on Trent, and he laughed. Chris sighed. "That's better. Now, let's check out Mr. Guitar's poem. Hmm. What the crap?! Everything here is nine too! It's a poem about nine with nine stanzas of nine verses that have nine rhymes and nine syllables each! There're even instructions at the bottom saying to read it nine times over. Yeah. Once will suffice."

_Hello everyone my name is Trent,_

_And, well, once upon a time I went,_

_To a TV show where I pitched tents,_

_And formed a couple that was called Gwent,_

_After the show, a letter I sent,_

_To her, 'cause my mind was now all bent,_

_The thing with nine I really meant,_

_But my heart had a gigantic dent,_

_I was no longer such a fine gent. _

_All I could think of was number nine,_

_And think and ponder and mope and pine,_

_That maybe it wasn't a good sign,_

_And I wasn't so mentally fine,_

_So I could on insanity dine,_

_'Cause I really think I've lost my mind,_

_But still I'm kind of one of a kind,_

_I'd lost myself in a number mine,_

_All my sanity was left behind. _

_Half of the time I was super glad,_

_The other times nine just made me mad,_

_Even though the number itself is rad,_

_My psychoness was just really bad,_

_There was no solution to be had,_

_And nothing could my craziness pad,_

_I was nine of Chuck Norris's dad,_

_I'd gone a hell lot more than a tad,_

_Over the edge, it was so sad!_

_I thought of becoming a town cop,_

_In hopes of letting number nine drop,_

_But the number was always on top,_

_Even when I left, I had to shop,_

_In groups of nine, like I'd planted crop,_

_I really could never ever stop,_

_My brain had like the weasel gone pop,_

_I scrubbed the floor nine times with a mop,_

_And up all the sadness I did sop._

_In mental health I did make the cut,_

_Because I said I wasn't a nut,_

_Nothing could be further from truth but,_

_A felt like a truck that hits a rut,_

_Nine was seeping inside of my gut,_

_My room became my own little hut,_

_Whenever I walked it was a strut,_

_And in mini golf I could only putt,_

_A nine, what a pity, oh tut-tut._

_I felt like a regular old git,_

_A looney bin, a dumb idiot,_

_I would always rinse and then I'd spit,_

_Nine times, and nine catches with a mitt,_

_I was just totally losing it,_

_I might have already the dust bit,_

_Whether I would stand or I would sit,_

_Nine was always after me, oh shit,_

_My new hobby was to pick a nit._

_I had such bad luck like a black cat,_

_I was like an over-stepped on mat,_

_I'd hit myself with a baseball bat,_

_And drink only soda from a vat,_

_I really was a dumb cheating rat,_

_At least I wasn't like Owen fat,_

_'Cause really, I never could be that,_

_Or else I'd wear nine of bowler hat,_

_And on a mattress of nines I sat. _

_I actually had nine cell phones,_

_My poor brain spun like nine xylophones,_

_In everyone's voice I heard the tones,_

_Of creeped-out-ness, nothing but the bones,_

_I've been dethroned from all my nine thrones,_

_I wish I had of me eight clones,_

_To make nine Trents, then nine traffic cones,_

_Nine of everything, even moans,_

_And sure, that would cause a lot of groans. _

_Psycho Trent is back to stay and here,_

_Why, I'll just drink nine bottles of beer,_

_I'll shout nine times 'hip hip hooray' cheers,_

_I'll face all nine of my stupid fears,_

_And I just want to make nine things clear,_

_All nine are that I saw in a mirror,_

_The number nine, it looked so dear,_

_And I know I'm really rather queer,_

_But nine nine nine nine nine nine nine lear!_

Chris looked pale. "If you'll excuse, I'm gonna find some matches and lighter fluid and burn this poem. Followed by rocking back and forth in an empty corner, laughing silently to myself."

Suddenly, Trent threw the boulder off of on top of him. It hit Chris and knocked the host off the dock. "That was awesome!" yelled the psycho nine-addicted teen. "Now I just need to do it eight more times!"

**Thanks for reading and please review! Bridgette is next. **


	14. Bridgette

**Sorry about the delayed updates, I was at summer camp. I'll try to update every other day or so from now on. I just one have guest review reply to get out of the way before the chapter starts.**

**mugheessaeed2002: **Sure I'll reply here. That sucks, hopefully you get your account back soon. Yeah, Sierra and Dakota aren't really that crazy, and it certainly was a lot of nines. :)

Chris was not happy. He hadn't been on camera for over two weeks! But he put his anger aside, because that issue was currently being resolved with the introduction of the next teenage wannabe poet.

"What's up, world?" asked Bridgette as she walked onto the dock, waving. Her surfboard was clutched in her hand, but Chris quickly grabbed it from her, broke it in half, and tossed it in the lake. "What was that?!" she exclaimed.

"You're here to poetize, not surf, dum-dum! Now get to it!"

"Sheesh. Someone lost their pacifier. Anyway, my poem's a haiku, a soothing poetry style from Japan."

"And we care because?" asked Chris, crossing his arms and sticking his tongue out.

"Because you get paid to host this."

"Point taken."

_Oh Total Drama,_

_My hatred for you is huge,_

_You ruin my life._

_At first it seemed bad,_

_Then I realized it was bad,_

_Including the food. _

_The host was insane,_

_The challenges were brutal,_

_And the cabins sucked. _

_I did meet a guy,_

_He's the life of the party,_

_If a bit goofy. _

_Before we hooked up,_

_I was voted off because,_

_I was just too nice. _

_Then I was kicked off,_

_Again next time for kissing,_

_Geoff just way too much. _

_I became co-host,_

_Total Drama Aftermath,_

_It was a success. _

_Then Geoff turned into,_

_A megalomaniac,_

_It went to his head. _

_But we fixed him up,_

_Back to the fun-loving guy,_

_And all was good then. _

_Next season I fell,_

_For this guy Alejandro,_

_But it was a trick. _

_I got voted off,_

_And resumed my role as host,_

_Of the Aftermath. _

_Blaineley was awful,_

_She made me miserable,_

_But we got her back. _

_I then cameoed,_

_To test out a new challenge,_

_It didn't end well. _

_That's enough said now,_

_I won't take any more time,_

_So viewers good-bye!_

"Unbelievable!" exclaimed Chris. "A poem that didn't spite me at the end!"

"I'm wishing it did now," said Bridgette. She took out her spare surfboard from her pocket, where it impossibly fit, and broke it over Chris' head.

"Ow!"

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	15. Lindsay

**I know. I suck at updating on time. And the worst part is, the next update won't be out for a week. But I'll try my hardest to update ASAP starting then!**

Standing next to Chris on the dock was Total Drama's buxom blonde, Lindsay. "Hi Chip! Is this where the beauty contest is?"

"If the game really was a beauty contest, you'd win it. But it's not. In fact, it's not really even a game anymore. It's a dumb show with even dumber poems. Care to share yours?"

"Only too glad to!" squealed Lindsay. She reached into her cleavage and pulled out an assortment of nail polish and makeup, all of which she tossed away. Eventually, when her hand was in past the wrist, she pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Chris.

He unrolled it and frowned. "This is blank."

"Well of course it is, silly! Paper comes that way!"

"No duh, Einstein. Where's your damn poem?"

"Hey, no need to be rude! By the way, what's a poem?"

"Argh, Lindsay! What'd you think you came here to do?"

"Smile and wave at the camera!"

"Wrong. NEXT!"

A long yodeler's cane came from nowhere and pulled Lindsay out of view. DJ was pushed on-screen.

"Hey, get out! You're not supposed to show up until next chapter!" yelled Chris.

"But Mama said I was next!"

"Call me when I give a damn!" Chris pushed DJ into the water, where the gentle giant splashed about in fear. The host looked smug until another yodeler's cane roughly pulled him off-stage.

**Well, no poem for a change, but certainly a funny scene. Thanks for reading and please review!**


	16. DJ

**A week's gone by, and here's the promised update! With any luck I can regularly and quickly update this story the rest of the way: 23 more chapters to go! (I do not own Total Drama.)**

Chris smiled brightly and sadistically, somehow both at the same time, and gestured to the gentle giant next to him. "Welcome our good friend DJ, here for the first time this story!"

"Actually, I showed up when Linds- - -"

"Shut it. And hand over your poem."

_My name is D. J. ,_

_Which stands for,_

_Devon Joseph, see?_

_Nothing less, nothing more. _

_I'm a friend to all bunnies,_

_In the whole wide world,_

_I love the Saturday funnies,_

_'Specially Swines before Pearl. _

_Total Drama, how I rue,_

_The day when I decided,_

_That I'd sign up to,_

_Play the game that divided..._

_Friendships and romances,_

_Acquaintances also. _

_Just to say in my defenses,_

_I didn't think it was possible..._

_For a shown to totally ruin,_

_Multiple innocent teens. _

_Chris has no idea what he's doin',_

_That man is gosh darn mean. _

_Well I better stop ranting,_

_And tell you my story,_

_I'll leave you all panting,_

_Like a dog for a toy. _

_I arrived on the shameful dock,_

_Things didn't seem that bad,_

_I soon discovered pain and misery,_

_Were the only things to be had. _

_Admittedly I made some friends,_

_Duncan and Owen and Beth,_

_But my best pal in the end,_

_Was none other than party boy Geoff._

_Although the game was cruel,_

_I regret some things I did. _

_I treated Harold like a mule,_

_Duncan and I, we did. _

_I feel so awfully sorry,_

_And guilty as can be,_

_If only he knew now,_

_I would never hurt a flea!_

_If there's one thing I can never deal with,_

_It'd be horror for sure,_

_The psycho killer was no myth,_

_Now I'm afraid even more!_

_Sadly that was my downfall,_

_I automatically got the boot,_

_All I could do was crawl,_

_Out of there in silence mute. _

_The next season I was worse,_

_How so? Morally. _

_The guilt ran its course, _

_Oh so gorily. _

_I did the right thing,_

_I decided to quit. _

_I didn't need no bling,_

_The million was shit!_

_There was only one thing,_

_That I cared about,_

_That is my Momma!_

_She never pouts. _

_My Momma's a fine mamma,_

_She's the best one on Earth!_

_She makes stew out of llama,_

_It goes great with dessert!_

_You can search the whole planet,_

_And you'll never find,_

_Any Momma at all,_

_Who's better than mine!_

Chris frowned. "There's not one frickin' word here about World Tour."

"I was so busy writin' about my Momma, I forgot all about it," explained DJ.

"Oh yeah?! Well, let's see if you can forget this. Oh Izzy!"

A boulder fell out of nowhere, nearly crushing DJ before inexplicably changing direction and pulverizing Chris. DJ grinned, and then walked off to find his Momma.

**Thanks for reading and please review! Geoff is up next. **


	17. Geoff

**Now, I know Geoff could never ever write a real poem (heck, neither could Tyler), but let's face it. Most of the TD cast are idiots XD. To avoid too many non-poem chapters, I need to cut corners here and there. And to make up for it, Geoff's spelling sucks. **

Chris, who had seemingly recovered from being demolished by yet another boulder, gave the camera his trademark smile. "Today party boy Geoff is joining us. Before coming on the show, the interns spent several months teaching him what a poem is. The last thing we need is a repeat of Lindsay." He grinned pervertedly. "The only good thing that happened when that blonde was here was when she stuck her hand in between her beautiful, gigantic, extra perky- - -"

"Uh, 'scuse me?" Geoff cut off. "Can we hurry up with this, man? You're boring me."

"Fine," Chris growled, annoyed that he'd been interrupted. "Show us your poem." Geoff was only happy to oblige.

_Rosis are red,_

_Voilets are bloo. _

_Bridgete is arwsome,_

_Partees are to!_

"First off, your spelling's worse than mine. And that's saying something. Also, you aware this is supposed to be about frickin' Total Drama, right?"

"Oh snap!" exclaimed Geoff. "Wrong poem! I've got another one right here."

_Gaem shows are funn,_

_Butt Totol Drama's best,_

_It ois numbar wun,_

_Their's no conttest!_

_Aftramath's evan beter,_

_Caose Bridgette's alvays they're,_

_No nead to go get 'er,_

_I've got kno worreis or care!_

"Get out of my sight, you awful son of a bitch poet!" screamed Chris at the top of his lungs. Geoff ran off crying, and the host laughed.

"Nah, it wasn't actually that bad of a poem. I just wanted to see him cry. Up next is loud 'n' proud Leshawna, so make sure to check it out!"

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	18. Leshawna

**We're getting close to finishing up with the original 22 campers! Then besides those introduced in World Tour, ROTI awaits!**

Chris smirked at the camera. "Guess who's back? Loud 'n' proud Leshawna!"

"The protagonist of the whole first season, if I don't mind sayin," added Leshawna herself.

"And let's not forget how cold-hearted she was in TDA!"

Leshawna frowned. "I've been tryin' to put that behind me, but you people just keep draggin' it up again. Now, for the last time, can I rap?"

"No!" yelled Chris. "And you especially, especially, _especially _can't dance. Show us the poem, the whole poem, and nothing but the poem!"

The ghetto girl grumbled as she handed a few sheets of paper to Chris.

_Leshawna here!_

_Here to kick yo ass,_

_In the competition;_

_Don't you give me no sass!_

_The cash was mine, _

_I knew it, pleeease,_

_Tell me anyone who could beat me,_

_It was a breeze. _

_Right away I could tell,_

_Who would be my friend,_

_Or who would make my life hell,_

_Till eight weeks was at end. _

_First of all, y'all, _

_There was Harold, that nerd,_

_He stole my heart,_

_With barely sayin' a word. _

_As weird as he was,_

_I knew he was mine,_

_He was proud on the Dock,_

_Wouldn't leave the game cryin'. _

_Then there was Duncan,_

_That stupid asshole!_

_He picked on poor Harold,_

_And made fun of his mole. _

_His girl Courtney,_

_Ain't no friendly one too,_

_Always screamin' and shoutin',_

_Made the whole place a zoo!_

_Then Gwen and Bridgette,_

_The only ones who got me,_

_They weren't like Heather, _

_Who could only mock me!_

_I'd had it up to here,_

_With that scrawny white bitch,_

_How do I describe her?_

_Hah, an old witch. _

_In the Action of Drama,_

_There was less of a reason,_

_For Harold to love me,_

_Throughout that season. _

_I was nasty, I'll admit,_

_What I did was damn cruel,_

_I tricked 'em all,_

_I was nobody's fool. _

_But eventually I realized,_

_Harold's my man._

_Ain't he some kind of freaky?_

_Don't ya kick the can. _

_My last moment of triumph,_

_Was when I slapped out the tooth,_

_Of that little bitch Heather,_

_Hah! Ain't that the truth?_

Chris wasn't very happy. "I wasn't mentioned! At all!"

Leshawna laughed. "Believe me honey, if I had started talkin 'bout you there, it wouldn't 'a' ended up so pretty."

Chris gulped. "Next time we'll have a very unexpected competitor write a poem. And no, it won't be Duncan. You'll just have to wait and find out. Haha! I can see the suspense killing you right in front of my eyes!" Leshawna pointed at him and mde the cuckoo gesture.

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	19. Mr Coconut

**Yep, it's Mr. Coconut's turn :). The smiling fruit is finally back to share his rhyming tale- - -or not **

Chris held in his hand a fruit. A coconut, to be specific. To be even more specific? Mr. Coconut. _The _Mr. Coconut. The one created out of Owen's insanity, shot with an arrow, eliminated, thrown down the Dock of Shame, chopped in half, used as a drink, and was last seen in the mouth of an Easter Owen statue. Don't ask.

"Anything you'd like to say to the world, Mr. Coconut?" asked the middle-aged host. The fruit said nothing. "The silent type, eh? You remind me of Beverly. Man, everyone else on the show always needs to be told to shut the hell up, but no. Not you and him. You two bastards do the exact opposite!"

With a laugh, he unrolled a piece of paper and stared at Mr. Coconut's poem. Or rather, his lack of a poem. "Wha, Wha, what's this? There's nothing here!" He glared at the coconut. "Lindsay's been giving you advice, hasn't she?" Chris rolled up his sleeve and steeped threateningly towards Mr. Coconut, totally set on giving him the old one-two.

Then Owen intervened. Stepping out of nowhere, the fat boy smacked his hand menacingly into his palm. "No one. Messes. With. My. Coconut." The morbidly obese teen punched Chris in the face so hard he flew backwards forty feet and landed in the lake, where some mutant pirahnas left over from the season before gave him a few nasty cuts.

Back on the dock, Owen grabbed Mr. Coconut in a huge bear hug, and swung round and round with him in pure bliss. His life was perfect until a passing eagle grabbed the fruit from him and flew away.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOO!"

**Now Duncan actually is next XD. The final four is up, followed by our three World Tour debuters and then the entire ROTI cast. It's gonna be fun!**


	20. Duncan

**I just realized, I accidentally posted a chapter for another story here by accident! Sorry,,I've replaced it with Duncan's poem now. **

**W****oohoo, Chapter 20! Also, we've sped by 50 reviews, more than any of my other stories. I can't believe how popular this is! Anyway, this chapter is a little anti-Duncan, just to let you know.**

Chris frowned at the camera. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone's here. And he is very bad. In more ways than one. Duncan!"

The punk walked on to the dock, smirking annoyingly. "Hey, no matter how much screen time I get, the fans still love me!"

As if in response to that statement, a tomato flew out of nowhere and splattered all over his face. Panicking, he stumbled backwards and fell into the water.

"Serves you right for being smug!" yelled Chris as the deliquent tried to wipe the tomato off his face.

"Shut up and just read my poem!" yelled Duncan back. "You should be glad I wrote it at all!"

_Duncan's my name,_

_Pain's my game. _

_That is, if you,_

_Mess with me too. _

_Total Drama sucks,_

_But I was out of luck,_

_Stuck in jail,_

_With no hope for bail!_

_The show was my best shot,_

_I could stay locked up or not. _

_I choose the latter,_

_Now that's the matter. _

_All the other nerds,_

_Were stupid turds. _

_The only hot chick,_

_Was Courtney the wick(ed),_

_But at first she despised me. _

_Then she surprised me!_

_She could be bad too. _

_But I didn't see through_

_To realize that she,_

_Is uptight as a bee!_

_No wonder Gwen_

_Was my interest when,_

_World Tour rolled around,_

_I had true love found!_

_Of course she dumped me too,_

_But between me and you,_

_She's still smokin' hot,_

_Even Courtney was hot a lot,_

_But they're both two chicks who,_

_Flew the cuckoo. _

_So I'm on my own for now,_

_Ya better not poke fun, pal. _

_Or I'll show you the meaning of pain,_

_Believe me, it gets insane!_

_Oh yeah, I forgot,_

_One detail that was not,_

_Awful was that,_

_After six weeks flat,_

_I won a million bucks,_

_Still, it really sucks,_

_That Total Drama exists,_

_Man, that makes me pissed!_

Duncan finally managed to pull himself up onto the dock. "Chris, dude, you have no idea how dead you are right now."

The raven-haired man grinned sadistically. "Try telling that to Fang."

The mutant shark hopped out of the lake and also grinned sadistically. It chased Duncan off-screen, where soon enough screaming, growling, and brutal ripping and tearing noises could be heard. Chris laughed. "Doesn't get much funner than this, does it? We'll see each other next time, when Total Drama's greatest evil experiences just as much pain as Mr. "Pain is my game" himself over here! Oh yeah, and writes a poem."

Off-screen, Duncan shrieked like a little girl. Chris laughed again.

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	21. Heather

**I was planning for Heather to have a long and deep poem, but then a funny idea occurred to me. This is likely the last chapter without a real poem, 'cause I don't want to have too many characters without one. **

"Evil. Evil again. Evil yet again. Evil is the only way to describe this evilest of all evils. Evil. With a capital everything. Evil. Only two syllables, but a helluva lot more intimidating. Evil- - -"

"Shut the hell up!"

In case you hadn't guessed, the nonsensical monologue about evil came from Chris. The rude comment came from Heather.

Chris glared at the queen bee. "You didn't let me finish my lines! I had a whole 'nother paragraph!"

"Can it, McLean," ordered Heather. "If you think anyone gives a damn about your precious dialogue, you're mistaken."

"It's not dialogue that's precious to me, it's drama! And considering how you were Total Drama's first ever antagonist, your poem should have lots of it. Now, if I may?"

Chris grabbed the paper from her hand. When he saw what it said, he growled, took a lighter from his pocket, and burned it. Then he stomped on the ashes, grabbed a broom, and swept them into the lake. A prehistoric monster rose out of the depths and swallowed them before submerging back into the depths.

"Overreact a little?" asked Heather. "What it said wasn't _that _bad."

"You're right, but after that I wanted to spite you. The world didn't get to see your poem. I pissed you off! Ha! Ha ha! Ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha- - -" Chris laughed so hard and so long that he ran out of breath and fainted. The evil teen kicked his unconscious body and then swept _him _off the dock.

"Oh yeah," she said. "I brought an extra poem. This is what I wrote to Chris," she said, before holding the paper up the camera.

_F**k you. _

Heather grinned. "What, did you actually think I would do what Chris wanted me to? Yeah, right." She walked off the dock.

**Thanks for reading and please review! Gwen is up next with a real poem. **


	22. Gwen

**This chapter should've been up yesterday, but I fell asleep writing it. Literally. In my defense, it was pretty late already. **

**I know All-Stars aired this week, but this and the upcoming poems won't include that. Nor will I update the poems after All-Stars finishes. However, I will write 14 new ones once Pahkitew Island starts up next year. **

Everybody's favorite goth stood on the dock next to Chris. Actually, everybody's least favorite goth might be a better description. "Welcome back to Total Drama, Gwen!" greeted Chris.

"Believe me," she began, "the pleasure's all yours. Do I really have to be here?"

"No, you could have been conveniently and inconspicuously killed by one of the interns. A lot of Duncney fans wanted that, but a poem from you seemed the better option."

"Wow. You actually made a smart choice for once. Congrats. Like, seriously. We don't see signs of human intelligence from you very often."

"If you were Noah I'd think that was sarcasm, but considering all of that's true, it just might not be! Anyway, I don't have all day here."

"Uh, yes you do."

"Well I wish I didn't. Poem, please."

_My name is Gwen_

_Way back when,_

_I joined a show,_

_Now I know,_

_It's a pain in the end!_

_As soon as I arrived,_

_I knew it was contrived,_

_To suck a lot,_

_Without much thought,_

_The cabins weren't right-sized._

_Among my fellow teens,_

_Were tons of drama queens,_

_A perverted geek,_

_Who my love did seek,_

_Quickly came on the scene. _

_He bugged me for a while,_

_But I left my worries in a pile,_

_When I met a guy,_

_Who could make me cry,_

_With a song, or make me smile. _

_Trent was his name,_

_And his fifteen minutes of fame,_

_Were spent with me,_

_Happy as could be,_

_Until Heather was to blame!_

_That sneaky bitch,_

_Acting like a witch,_

_Set up a plot,_

_If only I'd thought,_

_I should have expected this!_

_Long story short: bad news,_

_Leshawna told all to choose,_

_Between Heather and Trent,_

_The latter went,_

_Off the show and I sang the blues. _

_I didn't have long to mourn,_

_For as quick as you can say corn,_

_It was final two,_

_Oh, so true,_

_In my side like a thorn. _

_I gave my best,_

_When put to the test,_

_But in the end,_

_Owen got 100 grand,_

_And had a party with all the rest._

_Next Season Trent and I,_

_Were together liked whipped cream and pie,_

_It was amazing,_

_Until Trent started crazing,_

_Throwing challenges low and high. _

_But worst of all,_

_Was his obsession and call,_

_To number nine,_

_That wasn't fine,_

_All this chaos I saw. _

_Justin quickly took note,_

_What an evil goat,_

_I broke up with Trent,_

_And then I went,_

_And eliminated myself with a vote._

_I thought I'd start with a clean slate,_

_In Season 3, but too late,_

_I fell for Duncan,_

_I liked the punk, an',_

_Just when Courtney was becoming my mate. _

_I thought my troubles were done,_

_When he left, gone was the fun,_

_But soon enough,_

_It was tough,_

_'Cause he was back, even though he'd already won._

_I couldn't help it,_

_I kissed him, shit,_

_I was doomed,_

_Elimination loomed,_

_I had to rely on wit. _

_But it didn't do much good,_

_Tyler did what he should,_

_He spread the word,_

_What we'd done was absurd,_

_But if I could do it again I would. _

_I know it was wrong,_

_I knew all along,_

_I feel awful,_

_And cough-full,_

_Of apologies in song. _

_Sorry Courtney, that,_

_I acted like a fat,_

_Jerk by kissing,_

_Duncan, who's missing,_

_your love, it's a fact!_

_Sorry Cody, who,_

_I denied too,_

_Many times,_

_I'm out of rhymes,_

_I actually did like you!_

_I'm sorry Trent,_

_I know you went_

_Insaner,_

_I'm to blame, er,_

_I'm trying my best to repent. _

"Wow!" exclaimed Chris. "Someone sure is sorry. Sorry as in just sad."

"Well, there's one person I won't be apologizing to, and that's you, you bastard!" Gwen punched the host full in the face.

Chris stood shocked for a second, and then regained his composure. "Thanks. I needed that."

"You have no idea how much you did."

**The winner of TDI and the last classic competitor is up next! And something very painful is in store for Chris...WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry. Went a little insane there. **

**Anyway, I just finished a TD three-shot, 'Random Crap'. It's random, it's funny, it's crazy, but it sure as hell ain't crappy, so I'd check it out if I were you. **


	23. Owen

**Well, we've finally reached the end of the TDI cast, with Owen. Much of a screenhog as he is, I kinda wish he was in All-Stars. You can't have Total Drama without Owen, which is why he's here!**

Chris grinned maliciously. "It's time for our first ever winner's poem. You've suffered through pages and pag- -erm, hours and hours of random teen retards, never getting to see enough of the real star, me! But, because of this special occasion, I'd like to dedicate the whole thing to me. In fact, we can rewrit- -erm, reshoot it all so that I'm the main focus. Heck, so that I'm the only focus! And forget about the poetry shit. McLeans don't write poems. Make it all about me! ME! Because I AM THE BOST HOST OF ALL TIME! I AM SUPERIOR TO ALL OF YOU! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA- -choke."

The insane middle-aged man was crushed in a bear hug from someone as fat as Dr. Buckely (inside joke). "Hi Chris!" yelled Owen. "I'm so pumped to be back! I'm lovin' being on camera again! It's awesome! AWESOME! By the way, have you seen Justin?! Is it me, or is it hot in here?! Phew! Gee, this is so cool! COOL! Chris, say something man!"

Chris had turned blue. The hug was squeezing the life out of him. Eventually Owen had to scratch an itch and dropped the host onto the dock, where he lay, panting. Twenty minutes later, he'd regained his composure and Owen had fallen asleep. "Okay, maybe me being the main focus isn't the best idea. I can deal with being on the sidelines if it means I get to live past fifty."

He walked over to Owen and started shaking him. "Earth to big fat tub of lard! Poem time!" Owen belched in his sleep and a paper flew out of his mouth. Chris put on a hazmat suit, and, lifting up the paper with tongs, he showed it to the camera.

_Hey everybody!_

_Great to be back!_

_If I eat as much as last time,_

_I'll get a heart attack!_

_When I showed up at camp,_

_It seemed a lot of fun!_

_But I had no idea,_

_I soon would be number one!_

_All there were my friends,_

_Noah, Justin, Beth!_

_Izzy, Lindsay, Gwen!_

_And all the rest!_

_But one by one they left,_

_Poor Owen all alone,_

_Until one hundred thousand bucks,_

_Became my new throne!_

_Before I could even party,_

_It was time for Season Two!_

_Oh boy, even more fun,_

_Even when Courtney liked to sue. _

_It wasn't long before,_

_I joined the eliminees!_

_An aftermath of crazy,_

_Why, please!_

_But Chris soon brought me back,_

_He had an evil plan!_

_I was to sabotage the game!_

_Oh no, man oh man!_

_But soon I was found out,_

_I left the game again,_

_But there was no need to pout,_

_Things were on the mend!_

_In World Tour, that's Season Three,_

_Noah and I became,_

_Way better friends till he was voted off,_

_Geez, what a shame!_

_So Total Drama's awesome!_

_To me it is so dear,_

_I wish it would go on,_

_The woo-hoo-ness is clear!_

_I liked a lot of things,_

_But the thing I loved the most,_

_Is, I gotta say,_

_Chef's good camp food, no boast!_

By the time the poem finished, Owen was awake and Chris was back in his normal clothes. "Owen, I think you're the only camper who had good things to say about the show. And you're sure as hell the only one who had anything good to say about Chef's food! Blagh. Disgusting. By the way, did you end every sentence with an exclamation mark?"

"Yep!" The fat boy looked up and his jaw dropped open in horror.

He dove into the lake and swam away as fast as he could while Chris asked what's up. A shadow appeared over Chris and gotbigger and bigger. A whistling noise got louder and louder. He finally looked up. "Oh shit."

A boulder the size of Mercury, courtesy of Izzy, crushed Chris, obliterated the dock, sped through the water, and impacted with the sand so hard it created a crater the size of Noah's brain. Really. That big.

Owen clapped gleefully. "Zip a dee doo dah, zip a dee ay. My, oh my-y, what a wonderful day!"

**I have a feeling Chris won't be recovering from that any time soon XD! Next up we have Blaineley, followed by Sierra, Alejandro, and the ROTI cast. Remember to review! :)**


	24. Blaineley

**And, we start with off our World Tour campers with a mediocre poem that sounds almost more like a rap. Anyway, this story is creeping closer to 100 reviews. Make sure to review and we might reach it this chapter!**

The Dock of Shame was there as usual. Behind it was Camp Wawanakwa, with Lake Wawanakwa all around it. On the dock was the next wannabe poet, Blaineley. But that's where the similarities ended. For the first time in well, ever, Chris was absent. In his place stood someone decidedly much less egoistic, but every bit as insane.

Chef.

"Welcome back to Total Shitty Poems! Y'all better keep watchin', er, readin', else I'll make every last one o' ya drop and give me twenty. And that's twenty thousand, bitches!"

"Screw the narrator. You are just as full of yourself as McLean! The show's not about you, it's about me," said Blaineley.

"I will stuff ten million socks down your throat, so help me, if y'all bitches don't shut the hell up! Here I am, breakin' ma back out under the sun, all so that ya bastards can poetize! Get to work, Bitcherific!"

"It's Blainerific, smart one."

"What I said. Now get movin'!"

_Hello world it's Blaineley,_

_And I am quite plainly,_

_The least insanely. _

_I started out with a job,_

_Dishing drama like corn on the cob,_

_Celebrity Manhunt, what a snob!_

_Then I interviewed the TD crew,_

_Craziest bunch you ever knew,_

_But I could see 'em through. _

_For the Aftermath I was hired,_

_I wish I had been fired,_

_The insanity made me tired. _

_Geoff was a bitch,_

_Bridgette was a witch,_

_Should've changed her name to Mitch!_

_Things were bad already,_

_But at least they were steady,_

_Like a mauled-by-dog teddy. _

_Then I was thrown on the game,_

_My chance for fame,_

_It was so lame!_

_Soon enough I was,_

_Eliminated, 'cuz,_

_I couldn't deal with that buzz._

_So, I wish I'd never,_

_Endeavored,_

_To meet Owen, Courtney, Duncan, Sierra, Cody, Alejandro, or Heather!_

"Your last line's too long, bitch. Rewrite it."

"What? No! It's that way for dramatic effect!"

"Then give me ten to the millionth power push-ups!"

"Are you kidding me?"

"Yes. Give me MORE than that!" Blaineley grumbles and begins to do them.

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	25. Sierra

**Here in this chapter is one of the funniest opening scenes in a while :). And I'm at 5,000 views!**

Chef glared at the cameraman intern. "If I catch you pointin' that thing at me one mo' time, so help me, your head's gonna be where your kneecaps should go."

"Uh, Mr. Hatchet," said the intern nervously, "it's a camera. It has to be pointed at you, otherwise the audience can't see you guys."

"You think I give a cupcake? Let me tell ya, intern, I know that's a gun. Stop tryin' to assassinate me, you bastard! Some intern Chris hired, can't even mind his business without killin' his frickin' employers!"

"Chef, it's a camera. You're not going to die if it points at you, I swear!"

"For the last time, yo son of a bitchy gun, stop sticking that thing in my face, 'fore I stick this at you!" He extended his middle finger at the intern, who rolled his eyes.

Meanwhile, Sierra parachuted onto the dock. Dropping her parachute into the lake, she exclaimed "Oh my gosh! It's so good to be back again! I just _love_ being on camera! Don't you, Chef?"

"What, do you think I like gettin' shot in the head, bitch? She crazy, she crazy!"

"Chef, cameras don't shoot you! Well, actually they do, but in a different way!"

"WHAT?!" yelled Chef. "ARE YOU TELLIN' ME THOSE THINGAMAJIGGERS ARE EVEN MORE TERRIBLE THAN A NORMAL WEAPON?! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" He jumped off the dock screaming and swam away until a mutant squid pulled him under.

Sierra stood there dumbfounded, not sure of what to do. She glanced at the intern. "Just show us your poem," he said.

"You sure?"

"It can't hurt."

"If Chef's right it can. In fact, if he's right, it hurts a lot!"

The intern face palmed. "Okay, if you die you can sue me. Deal?" Sierra nodded and handed him her poem.

"It doesn't really rhyme, but it feels Old Englishy. And guess what it's about? Cody! AIEEEE!"

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_My crush of eternity!_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_How sweet thou art!_

_I loveth thou forever,_

_Since the moment I first,_

_Laid eyes upon you,_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_I saw you on thoth TV,_

_And this I knew,_

_That I must come to you,_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_So I, distraught with love,_

_Endeavored to joineth the show,_

_With great success I might add,_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_All those campers I had stalked_

_For year after woeful year,_

_Wereth there, but I could care less!_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_Yes I only looked to you,_

_Doth that you would look to me,_

_Looketh, Cody, looketh,_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_You tried to vote me off,_

_Sure I was sad,_

_But I never leave my Cody,_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_We made it through,_

_Eliminationeth,_

_After eliminationeth,_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_The final four,_

_Me asks doth how,_

_We made it so far,_

_ Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_Doth I blew up the plane,_

_Chris was insane, _

_I lost the game, _

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_I tried to help you,_

_To the final two, _

_That didn't work out so well,_

_Cody, Cody, Cody!_

_Too bad,_

_So sad,_

_BUT I'VE STILL GOT YOU,_

_CODY CODY CODY!_

Suddenly, the camera fired a bullet. Sierra ducked, and it ricocheted off a rock, came back, and killed the intern. Sierra walked away, whistling.

**Next up is Alejandro, the final veteran contestant. His poem will be written as if he got runner-up, since this story is based off the U.S. endings. **


	26. Alejandro

**Chef reaches a new level of Chefness here. I'd say more, but I'm sick of writing this author's note. Already. After less than five sentences. **

Chef was still there, sadly. Accompanying him this time was none other than pretty boy Alejandro. "Hello world," he began, "just let me say thanks in advance for your many compliments on my fabulous poem. It is awesome. Believe me, I know. I wrote it."

"Shut yo face!" yelled Chef, elbowing the teen roughly. "It's poem time, not woo the entire damn audience time. Not to mention, we all already know you're an evil bastard!"

"Tut tut," said Alejandro. "Am I really all that evil?"

"Yes."

The former antagonist swore in Spanish.

_Poetry is a form of expression,_

_Designed to be used by me,_

_After all there's a large connection,_

_Between perfection and me. _

_So it seems only fit that I,_

_Describe my less-than-perfect times,_

_On the show where I nearly did die,_

_All this I'll put into silly rhymes. _

_It started when I had the misfortune to meet,_

_A man by the name of Chris,_

_Until then I'd been stuck on the street,_

_But pardon my French, that guy's a bitch!_

_At first I was to be the star,_

_Of a show all to my own,_

_But because of the TD crew and Momma DJ's car,_

_That dream was smashed with a stone. _

_At least I got to partake,_

_On Total Drama World Tour,_

_For my own sake,_

_I could even the score. _

_They didn't know what hit them,_

_One by one they fell,_

_Bridgette, Leshawna, Courtney,_

_Sadly not Heather as well. _

_I destroyed them all,_

_Down to the final three,_

_There Cody did fall,_

_Leaving just Heather and me. _

_But, why? I was weak,_

_My emotions were running high,_

_Heather's love I did seek,_

_The foolishness of it makes me cry. _

_In the end I might have won,_

_Had I not given in,_

_Getting burnt to a crisp was no fun,_

_Aye, love is a deadly sin._

"I loved ya poem."

"Thanks."

"No, you don't get it. I _really _loved ya poem."

"Um, thanks again? I think."

"In fact, I loved it so much that I'm gonna...FRICKIN' SHOOT YA!" Chef pulled a camera out of his pocket and pointed it at Alejandro. He quickly clicked it several hundred times. "Damn it, why won't'cha die?!"

"Chef, that's a camera. The only harm it's doing me is capturing images of my bad side. Which is admittedly awful, but at least probably not fatal."

"Dang. Couldn't ya just up 'n' die? Just once? For me? Pleeeeeeeeease?"

"Not a damn chance, bastard."

"Ah well, it was worth a shot."

**Finally, The Total Drama Revenge of the Island campers will have their turns. Coming up next is Staci!**


	27. Staci

**Let me start off by saying, Staci's poem won't feature at all what you likely think it will be all about it. We can be grateful to Chef for this :). **

A chubby girl stood on the dock with duct tape over her mouth. Chef stood next to her with a roll of duct tape in his hand. What happened is self-explanatory.

Chef glared at the camera. Thankfully he'd been told nine times by Trent that cameras weren't weapons, so he was fine with it now. What he wasn't so fine with was Staci. "You see this bitch?" he asked, pointing at her. "She kept yakkin' and yakkin' about her great-great-great-great-great-great-Shithead, so I used some duct tape to my aid and effectively shut her the hell up. You know what they say; if ya can't fix it with duct tape, ya didn't use enough duct tape!"

Staci tried to say something through the gag, presumably a lie about how one of her ancestors had invented duct tape, but thankfully the gag was totally functional, and not a sound could be heard.

"Now, I also made her rewrite her poem. At first it was ancestor did blah blah blah turkey bullshit for twenty-two thousand pages, now it's actually about the show! Hope ya like, suckers, hope ya like."

_My name is Staci,_

_I used to watch a show,_

_That was very crazy,_

_It's called Total Drama, you know. _

_When a new season came,_

_I promptly decided,_

_I'd try and join the game,_

_My timing coincided,_

_With twelve other teens,_

_Who became my fellow campers,_

_Some were too mean,_

_Others smelled like hampers. _

_The first challenge was,_

_Not very simple,_

_It was painful, 'cause,_

_It's like popping a pimple. _

_We sawed down our wood thing,_

_And took the lead,_

_I wanted to sing,_

_And drink bottles of mead. _

_In the end we placed first,_

_But the other team sucked,_

_It was the worst,_

_Somehow we lost, what luck. _

_Surprisingly I was sent home,_

_Which didn't add up,_

_Maybe I was mistaken for a garden gnome,_

_Or a poor lost pup._

_So my screen time was brief,_

_It came to an end soon,_

_I was filled with grief,_

_The show had yet to reach noon. _

"That made about as much sense as Chris thinking he's beautiful!" yelled Chef. "What the hell were you thinking when you wrote it?"

Staci shrugged, and then peeled off the duct tape, likely wanting to lie about how one of her relatives had invented sense. Before she could speak, Chef applied another piece of duct tape to her mouth. She again peeled it off, and he again put another one on. This cycle repeated over and over again until the required half-hour episode time was up.

**For those who might be wondering, Chef will stick around for a few more chapters until Chris is sufficiently recovered to resume hosting. Dakota is next, and remember to review!**


	28. Dakota

**Here's another one of those chapters that aren't so great :(. Sigh. I was tired. **

"Why did da blonde cross the road?" asked Chef.

"Is this another dumb blonde joke?" asked Dakota. "For the last time, intelligence doesn't depend on hair color!"

"Shut up bitch. Da blonde crossed the road...to get to the dumber side! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

Dakota rolled her eyes. "What about my poem?"

"Eh, that prob'ly belongs on the dumber side too, but show it to the viewers, why not?"

_Dakota Milton here,_

_Everyone cheer!_

_You're all my biggest fans,_

_Aren't you just dear?_

_It's pretty easy to see,_

_I've already made it be,_

_But still, I wanted,_

_More time on TV. _

_Total Drama was great,_

_Until I started to hate,_

_Chris and Chef, _

_Neither could concentrate!_

_Maybe I didn't pay enough attention,_

_Hey, it wasn't a convention,_

_I never knew challenges were important,_

_Losing wasn't my intention. _

_So I got the boot,_

_Barely after my debut,_

_In Episode Two,_

_My TV time was mute!_

_Intern was then my job,_

_I really wanted to sob,_

_Then my hair fell out,_

_Like eaten corn on the cob. _

_I grew and grew and grew,_

_Until I threw,_

_A boulder at the helicopter,_

_Wow, my strength was new!_

_But an ugly monster was I,_

_I really wanted to cry,_

_I was eighteen feet tall,_

_Yet I didn't feel high. _

_Sam was there for me,_

_He loved me past beauty,_

_I could always count on him,_

_The truth to see._

_We are together,_

_Oh, forever,_

_We will always be,_

_Ever and ever. _

"Sappy!" yelled Chef. "You oughta run a Wimpathon!"

"Are you calling me wimpy?"

"Duh."

"Fine. Like I care."

"Yeah!" Chef frowned at me, the narrator. "Stop givin' me dialogue that sounds stupid, ya bastard! Write it right!"

"Um, who are you talking to?" asked Dakota.

"None o' yo beeswax, rich bitch snitch witch!"

"Really? That's the best insult you could come up with?"

"Nah, I could also call you a blonde."

"Were you blonde before you went bald?"

"Um...maybe."

**Thanks for reading and please review! Are you wondering how B's poem will turn out, considering he doesn't talk? Well, wonder on until the next update!**


	29. B

**Sorry for the update that took forever, but that's because I'm mass-updating for Total Drama Writing Spree Day, including a few more poems for this story!**

**Anyway, this is the first good poem in recent memory XD, and it's actually decently long for someone who was on the show for so little time. **

Chef was there. Again. Sick of him yet? So is everyone. Next to him stood the Silent Treatment himself, Beverly.

"So," began Chef, "how's life treatin' ya?" B said nothing. "That bad, huh? Well, mine sucks too, so get over your damn self-pity and pull yourself together man, PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER!" The big cook broke down and started crying. B patted him on the back, a little weirded out, and presented his poem.

_Hey, you're meeting Beverly,_

_I really don't talk much, see?_

_But I'm as thoughtful as can be,_

_If there's only one smart one, well it's me. _

_Total Drama looked appealing at first,_

_It wasn't till later that I nursed,_

_The belief that it was the worst..._

_Thing ever, like a moldy bratwurst._

_Already in the first challenge I,_

_Did some physics tricks as easy as pie,_

_And built a tower of people sky high,_

_So that, yeah, our win was nigh. _

_We cruised along the river fast,_

_Our worst nightmare was placing last,_

_Our totem boat could've used a mast,_

_In boat-building, Chris was NOT the best in class. _

_We lost pathetically on that day,_

_And due to annoyance sent Staci away,_

_Because of all the lies she always would say,_

_We needed to keep insanity at bay._

_The second challenge went by quick,_

_And again we got so licked,_

_More losses than you can shake a stick,_

_Almost everyone else was a prick!_

_All though in the end, I must disgress,_

_Dawn could stand up when put to the test,_

_She was certainly smarter than the rest,_

_Even if that cockroach of hers was a pest. _

_At challenges I was the ultimate man,_

_Rain, shine, snow, or hail, I had a plan,_

_To me winning was as easy as kicking a can,_

_And cans we did kick; so Anne Maria couldn't tan. _

_Eventually Scott saw I was too good,_

_He pulled over my head my own hood,_

_My brain now felt like it was made of wood,_

_I'd been tricked and eliminated, hadn't thought people could..._

_Outsmart me, silent genius and all,_

_Oh well, epicness did cause my fall,_

_But in the end I did well and can stand tall,_

_Still, my love for the show is but very small._

Chef wiped the tears from his eyes. "That sucked!" B gave him a questioning glance. "It sucked because it didn't mention ponies." B rolled his eyes.

He noticed something falling from above and carefully sidestepped. A boulder fell from the sky for the first time in a while and landed on Chef.

**The boulders are back, and Chris will soon be too. Next up is fan-favorite Dawn. Thanks for reading and please review!**


	30. Dawn

**Here's Dawn's poem, up the same day as B's. With any luck Sam's will be up shortly too. **

The dock was no longer quite as peaceful a place, for in Chef's place was Chris. The host was finally back. Yes, he had a cast on his leg, a neck brace, forty-four stitches, eight missing teeth, and a prosthetic lower arm, but he was there. And with him was Dawn.

"Hello Chris," she greeted friendily. "I trust you've learned to be more compassionate after your, um, incident with the rock.

"Can it, ya hag!" yelled Chris. "Compassionate? Hell no! I'm as Chrissy as can be, no rocks will fall on me."

Dawn shrugged. Chris' aura seemed doomed to remain dull and red forever. She then showed her poem to the camera.

_Hate, despise, and cruel,_

_A heap of Chef's gruel,_

_Is all that can be found,_

_On that show of great renown. _

_Total Drama is at best,_

_A very hellish test,_

_And at its worst it is,_

_Worse than a pop quiz. _

_I only joined the show,_

_To help others, you know,_

_I didn't succeed at all,_

_I only caused my fall. _

_But more on that later,_

_The explosion formed a crater,_

_When our boat was blown up,_

_Half-full was not the cup. _

_I took a shortcut to land,_

_Jo's envy was grand,_

_And the first challenge went bad,_

_Good-bye Staci, so sad. _

_B was friendly, I guess,_

_But when put to the test,_

_He didn't win for his team,_

_And we voted him off to patch the seam. _

_But next time it was my turn,_

_As I would soon learn,_

_People can be so mean,_

_Even if they're just a teen. _

_Scott schemed a lot,_

_And back then I thought,_

_I could outsmart him,_

_I acted on a whim. _

_So soon enough I left,_

_As I was blamed for theft,_

_It all went downhill,_

_'Fore I could the secret spill. _

_In the end the show meant little,_

_To me, all it did was fiddle,_

_With my good aura, yes,_

_The whole thing's a gosh darn mess._

Chris laughed. "What's so funny?" asked Dawn.

"The dramatic irony."

"Excuse me?"

"Well I said earlier that no more rocks would fall on me. That's ironic because- - -" A boulder crushed him.

**Thanks for reading and please review! With any luck Sam's will be up today too. **


	31. Sam

**Presenting the last chapter without a poem!**

Chris had recovered a little since he'd last been seen. The neck brace was gone and some of the stitches had been removed, plus all the bruises on his body were starting to slowly heal. Along with him was gamer guy Sam, currently engrossed in, guess what? A game.

"So," said Chris. "I'm tired of opening monologues. Sam, where's your poem?"

"Oh, that's right!" he exclaimed. "I didn't do it."

"WHAT?!" yelled Chris. "Are you telling me you didn't do your homework?! I mean, poem."

"I wanted to!" prostested the gamer. "But the newest version of Digcraft was out! This one has sheep ore! And uranium pickaxes!"

"Whatever! Just get out so the fun people can come on. Like Brick. He's a lot more interesting than you!"

"Sheesh." He went back to his game.

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


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